Hello, Silence My Old Friend

One of the things that you occasionally experience out here in farm country is... silence. It occurs to me that silence is something we have difficulty with. There is noise everywhere, people talk non-stop, advertisements blare, machines talk, cars honk and when there is even the slightest possibility of a quiet moment, we put on our head-sets and let Spotify fill the gap. Let's face it: silence is awkward.

One of the people I am mentoring - when confronted with a difficult question - is prone to say, "Can I think about that for a moment?" And so we sit there in silence at Starbucks for 2 minutes, while this guy thinks. We get some weird looks, but I love the reflex that says "Hey, you asked me a difficult question and if you want a thoughtful answer, I need to think and for that I need you to be QUIET."

More frequently the opposite happens. While interviewing job candidates I would follow a difficult question with the offer, "take a moment to think about that". It's amazing how many people will start talking about 2 nanoseconds after I say that. (It tells me something about their ability to follow instructions.) It's as if a moment of silence in the room is so painful, that it's better to say something dumb, quickly.

I have come to the conclusion that thinking, talking and listening are mutually exclusive. In most business meetings that I attend, somebody is talking all the time. Our brain is micro-scheduling the 3 activities into tiny portions. We listen a bit. Think a bit. Wait for an opening. Then talk a lot. It all seems rather inefficient. And in the unlikely event that a moment of silence presents itself, an awkward-fest ensues and the opportunity to think is lost (in German folklore it is said "An angel flies through the room").

So how do we get a little more silence and think-time into our lives? Here are some ideas:

1. Learn first to tolerate and then to appreciate times of quiet when you are alone. Intentionally go to a quiet place - a walk in the forest perhaps - with the idea of thinking deeply and relentlessly about something important to you. It takes practise.

2. Start to introduce moments of silence in one-on-one conversations with people you trust. Like my friend at Starbucks, it's okay to take an intentional pause in the conversation to organize your thoughts and to activate memories that may be relevant to the discussion.

3. If you are managing a meeting that seems to have hit the wall on a difficult topic, consider inviting the group to pause and think more deeply about it. You will get some strange looks. But seriously, is it too much to ask that you stop talking for 2 minutes and think? How about filling the mental gas tank before we drive any further?

I have met many impressive young leaders. Most of them are quick thinkers and persuasive talkers, which are key parts of the leadership repertoire. But another useful skill for them would be to re-acquaint themselves with an old friend. Silence.